Hi.

I’m sorry for being so horribly awful about keeping in touch with you, Steph, and with you also, T.

I feel crappy.

I was going to write a post that was all self-righteous about how fruitless it is to be as thoughtful as I am. Because I really do try to be the best person I can, and to consider other people as much as possible in my actions and reactions. And I consistently find that (1) nobody around me is even half as thoughtful towards me as I am towards them, which ends up hurting my feelings when I notice; and (2) the emotional effort I expend in order to consider others is rarely rewarded or acknowledged.

And this is definitely true with the people I interact with the most.

But then I realized that I am really crappy at keeping in touch with people who are far away, even when they really want to get in touch and leave messages and send emails and write letters and mail thoughtful cards and I can tell that they are reaching out for a friend, maybe even their best friend.

In summary, I suck just as much as the people around me. I will try harder to be a better person and a better friend.

Fun at the office makes me laugh.

I have had a spate of vivid and memorable dreams the past couple weeks. My dreams do tend to be vivid, but I don’t always remember them.

The one last night involved me on a big road trip… the remarkable thing was that I had all my belongings with me (in only a few bags, imagine that!) and I had no idea where I was going. I just kept driving and driving. Except at some point my “driving” consisted of pushing a shopping cart down the highway (bad omen?). I realized that I had missed my exit so I got off the highway (there were only signs for Highways 58 and 158, and after that the highway turned into Highway 1, none of which I wanted, so I had to exit on the 158 junction but luckily there was one road exit before I got on the freeway. I can’t remember the name of that exit but the point of telling this is to show you what RIDICULOUS details I come up with and remember in my dreams. By the way, these highways and junctions do not really exist, well, they do exist, but not in the way I had them in my dream, and they are not roads I ever, ever travel, so it’s not like I see them daily and just incorporated them)

Anyway. I got off on the last exit, switched shopping carts (it’s a dream, okay, it made sense at the time) turned around, sat at the light waiting for a U-turn, and got another couple miles down the road before I realized I had left my purse hanging on the shopping cart I had previously used.

So I drive/push my way back to the original shopping cart but at this point I am inside some large area, kind of like an airport except it was a restaurant/bar. And the manager was going down the escalator to retrieve my purse, even though he didn’t know it belonged to me. He had blocked off the escalator after he went downstairs so I had to yell to him from above that it was my purse.

Okay, this part lasted a good hour (dream-time) so I’ll have to skip ahead. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of conversations with the bar manager and his assistant and guys in the bar and the bartender and blah blah blah.

Anyway. The other semi-interesting part of the dream is that my stepdad and mom were with us (my sister had shown up at this point) and we were going to eat breakfast. On the walk to the breakfast room, I noticed my ipod was sitting in a puddle of water outside. I had dropped it while trying to collect all my things from the bar the previous night.

So I pick up the ipod and freak out about it being all wet and try to show my father-figure (who I refer to as such because I am not so sure it was my stepfather anymore, it could have been my real dad, or possibly even my best friend — which is fairly disturbing as he is an ex of mine, anyway the point is, I can’t distinguish who this male figure was at this point…)

Yes, so I was trying to show my father-figure this ipod and he was very rude and condescending towards me (which none of the afore-mentioned males would ever be in real life) and I got pissed and when we got into the restaurant I told him I didn’t feel like eating with them. My sister stayed with me, and he didn’t care, so he went to go meet my mother (who was some lady in an fancy, formal updo, I couldn’t see her b/c she was too far away, so who knows if it really was my mother).

My sister and I left, and I packed up to continue my trek on to who-knows-where — actually I think I had decided to head to Vermont — and it really took quite awhile to pack all my crap up. I handed out my business card to the bartender and told her if she ever needed her house refinanced, it wasn’t too far for me to drive and help her out.

Yadda yadda yadda, the dream goes on, but I guess that is enough for me to remember it when I look back on this.

_______

I have 5 choreographed dances to learn for a gig that I was just hired for yesterday. The gig is tonight. Which means I have about 5 hours to learn 5 dances to professional performance standards. That’s harder that it sounds.

And it means I don’t have time to be here. Bye!

So, I keep thinking about all the things I should be writing about, and then I do something like lose my mind over the fact that I can’t come up with a TITLE and decide that my story wasn’t worth writing in the first place and so then I never update my blog.

For example, this morning I started writing about this dream I had last night which involved lots of purple force fields, an enclosed, self-sustaining community somewhat akin to that of the Enterprise (or is that The Enterprise), TNG-era. Okay, maybe that’s not self-sustaining, but whatever.

In addition to the purple force fields, and the healing rooms, and the many sporting events that were happening, T (t, where are you? i have been thinking of you a lot lately which is why i guess you popped up in my dream, but it is in a weird way which you will see, shortly), anyway, T was pregnant. Except not at first. At first, T was on her way to go watch some high-school sporting event, not a real-life event, but some sport that I had fully created in my dream, complete with rules and playbacks and everything needed to watch it on TV…

But back to T. She was pregnant, and her due date had arrived, and so had her whole family. Except for some reason her whole family was looking to me to find T, and I couldn’t find her, because she wasn’t watching the game where she said she would be watching it, and this is probably because that room had suddenly become a birthing/hospital room, so she couldn’t have been watching the game there anyway.

So T’s family and I stood around the birthing/hospital room, wondering what had happened to T, after all, today was her due date, and soon her family started yelling at the midwife and they pretty much freaked out, and so I called T from my cell phone.

She was on the beach in Pacifica with a couple friends, and she hadn’t had the baby yet. Which is good because her family was conjuring up images of T having died during childbirth and for some reason there was a dead baby bird laying in a shallow cardboard box that was present expressly to symbolize T’s fate.

…. Um, right. So that was what I was going to write about this morning, and somehow the fact that I didn’t write about it, and couldn’t write about it, because I couldn’t come up with an appropriate title, somehow that fact was important when I started this entry.

I didn’t enter that dream into my dreamlog because I couldn’t possibly really do it justice. It was one of my cinematic movie-length dreams, from which I am able to recount every line of dialogue and details so minute they would make excruciatingly boring reading. I didn’t even think I could summarize it, but apparently I have, so there you go.