So, I think something might be a little bit off because I am freaking out over the fact that I’ve read all 67 of the blogs I normally read and most of them weren’t updated from 17 minutes ago which was the last time I went through the list and checked them, and I even followed most of the links to other journals and slideshows and whatnot and so there’s really nothing more to read and NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Also, I haven’t finished the work I have to do for my taxes, and that’s really what I should be doing, um, every single second of the day.

Anyway.

Dance performance tonight; should be a fun one.

Oh, hey, my sistah is on a massive road trip, touring the southwest and the west coast. I haven’t seen her for 17 months or so — but she’ll be here on Thursday. Hooray! I’m dragging her to karaoke, of course.

Well, better go try to do something with my life before dress rehearsal time.

I’ve noticed than when one clicks “next page” on my main page, the results are wacko. They start in some apparently random place and move forward from there.

I’ll try to fix it, but in the meantime, if you really want to read earlier pages by using the “next page” linky (in other words, if you want to read every day from the beginning), do the following:

1. From the main page, click “next page” (at the bottom of the page). Pay no attention to whatever is written there.

2. From this page, click “previous page” (also at the bottom of the screen…), until you reach the part of the journal from which you wish to start reading.

3. Read. Laugh. Cry. Comment. Dance. Eat. Drink. Sleep.

Dear Internet,

I present to you… The Top Two Moronic Things I Managed To Accomplish Within The Past 14 Hours:

1) A friend invited me over with the tantalizing proposition of availing her washer and dryer for my use. This was a pretty good deal, since there I would have to spend no money (versus home, where I would have spent at least $10), I could hang out with her, and I would probably get my laundry folded since I could do that while waiting for other loads to finish.

During the first load’s wash, we ended up driving around her town late at night so she could give me a little tour of what her life was like growing up there. By the time we got back, it was pretty near 1am, and I was actually yawning. That means, I was feeling TIRED! What is up with THAT?

Anyway. I put the first load of laundry into the dryer and start up the washer for the next load. Cold water, check. Detergent, check. I always let the washer fill up a little with the soapy water before I throw the clothes in, so at this point, Clothes, no check.

While I was waiting to throw the clothes into the washer, I noticed that I had left some trash where it shouldn’t have been, so I grabbed it and ran downstairs to throw it away.

Mmmhmmm….

So then friend comes downstairs and starts telling me family stories and showing me pictures, and oh how cute! Laa dee da, la dee da, we talk until she is so tired she can’t keep her eyes open. I walk upstairs with her to her room, and notice my three remaining piles of sorted laundry on the floor.

Wait a minute. Three piles? Hmmm…. I thought I only had 4 loads… one is in the dryer, one is in the washer….

Oh.

Yeah.

Open the washer and there’s the cycle, almost finished, with ZERO clothes in it. No check.

I blame it on being tired. Oh, shush!
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2) Related to the laundry story! Pay attention! After finishing my laundry, I left friend’s house. It was 6 in the morning. I hadn’t slept yet.

So, I wrangled my huge laundry basket and huge hamper, along with my purse and little traveling bag, into my car in one trip. Not fun, but I was too tired to make the trips back and forth - the car was just far away enough for multiple trips to be unappealing. Plus, for the love of god, it was SIX AM! I wanted to go home and get in my bed.

Drive home, drive, drive, drive, tired, tired, tired….

At last! Make it home. Park in the only spot available, which miraculously is on the end of a row and gives me a ton of space to pull out the crap in my backseat.

I had been considering leaving my laundry in the car because I was so freaking tired, and I knew it was HARD to carry that full hip basket with a full hamper lying on top. But my true laziness won, as I knew I would not want to go back out in the scorching, record-breaking heat that would be present at whatever time I woke up. Plus, my laundry basket wouldn’t have to melt in my car.

Grab all my bags. Situate the basket and hamper against my hip. Start walking to the apartment. It’s really a trek from the parking lot to my apartment, especially when you’re carrying heavy things. Probably about… um… 500 feet or so?

I’m walking, I’m walking. The basket starts digging through my skin into my hipbone. I curse my lack of fat and try to support the weight solely with my arms and hands instead of my goddamn pelvic bone.

By the time I was 50 feet from the apartment, I was comparing my trek to a full marathon. I had to keep mentally yelling at myself. “Don’t be a wuss! What are you gonna do, STOP!? Why are your arms shaking??!? You have muscles, USE THEM! The finish line is RIGHT THERE! GO GO GO GO GO!”

Get to my door. Amazingly get my key into the door lock without putting down the clothes, because I knew once they went down, they were not coming back up. Throw door open, stagger into my bedroom and drop clothes. Mission accomplished!

Peel off my clothes and fall into bed. Pass out.

Wake up this morning, lounge around in my room, take a shower. Get ready to leave. Gather all my things from my room, but can’t find my keys. Nothing new, so I keep looking. After a bit I think, hmm, maybe they’re in the living room.

Walk into the living room, and?

There is my front door, WIDE OPEN. With my keys hanging from the lock. Yup, it had been like that since I got home. While I slept. When I woke up. While I took a shower. Yup!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! Thank you for your time!

This concludes this episode of Moronic Moves by Me. See you next time around.

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*In molecular biology! With a chemistry minor! What was that? I rock? Thank you, thank you. What do I do with my spiffy degree and magical brain now, you ask?

I’ve really got to go check on my laundry, be right back…

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, I was playing with some of my toys, and apparently started packing them all into little bags.

My mother was impressed, in a mommy sort of way, and said, in her excited voice, “Look at you! You’re so good at packing things! You should become a grocery bag packer!”

For a couple years after that, I thought my calling was to be a grocery bagger. I imagined what it would be like when I was all grown up and had my job bagging things. Would people be impressed? Would I be good at my job? I wondered where the school was to learn all about grocery bag packing.

I still, obviously, haven’t forgotten it.

It was so fun being a kid.

Dear Guy That Lives Across The Courtyard From Me:

You are really nice and I’m sorry that your big, lovable rottweiler died last year. It is very thoughtful of you to ask how I’m doing every time you see me, and to declare that you’re going to come to one of my shows any day now.

But.

The past few days have been really horrible for me. I mean, REALLY BAD. And actually, I have told nobody about how awful it’s been.

So when I see you and realize there is no way to avoid you as I walk to my apartment, I have to put on my happy-out-in-public-face which, I will have you know, takes A LOT OF EFFORT. ESPECIALLY when I am as emotionally drained as I was last night.

And when I try to scoot by you after smiling pleasantly — PLEASE just let me go!!!

Please do not stand there and ask, after knowing me and chatting pleasantly with me for over a year and a half now: “Is your name pronounced like this or this?” And when I tell you that both were wrong and here is the correct way to say it, but it’s okay because everyone gets it wrong, please do not expound on the various ways you thought my name might sound, and the intricacies of how your mind wraps around name pronounciations.

And if such an exchange should take place, when I try to scoot by you afterwards, please do not stop me and blabber on about I Can’t Remember What Because I Was Trying So Hard Not To Push You Out Of My Way So I Could Just Get Home And Hole Up In My Room Forever And Cry Myself To A Slow And Agonizing Death.

And, again, it is kind and socially adept of you to ask how I’m doing.

But when I glance at you for half a second, answer “Good, thanks,” return my gaze to the ground and walk hurriedly towards my apartment, please do not stop me and say “Really? Things are good? That’s great!”

Because I DON’T KNOW YOU well enough to answer honestly. To some people I would be fine saying “I’ve been better,” or “Pretty shitty.” But not to you, casual neighbor acquaintance. We really aren’t that close, in fact, most of our conversations have taken place on this very walkway, and they, strangely enough, always follow this exact same pattern.

And because my answer was not true, it is excruciatingly painful to listen to you talk about how great my life is and how happy you are that things are going well. Why can’t you be fake and superficial like everyone else I don’t know and just say “Good!” and turn around and leave?

And when that pause comes in the casual chat that normally signifies that it is time for the participants to take their leave, please, for the love of god, PLEASE — DO NOT RESTART THE CONVERSATION. And if you DO, please do not restart it with “So things are good, huh?”

And when I nod mutely, and do not make eye contact with you, please do not press ahead and ask “So how is work going?”

Because, Dear Neighbor Who Is Really Quite Kind And Only Means Well, I really do not want to have to kill you in a psychotic rage when all I wanted to do was go home and be alone.

So please - let’s just move our relationship to Friendly But Distant Neighbor status. Please?

Best,
Me

Tonight I was told, “Hey! You’re getting your butt back!” by one of my toughest butt critics during this ORDEAL.

YESSSSSSsssssssss.

He couldn’t believe it happened so fast, but I am a miracle of modern science and can apparently gain and lose fat in a matter of hours. I mean, maybe the three gallons of whole milk and 3 boxes of frosted mini wheats I ate last week helped. And possibly the 217 pounds of fast food I’ve eaten over the past few weeks. And my massive excerise attack on my BUTTOCKS AREA! It’s all paying off!

It helped, though, that I was wearing a pair of pants I bought recently that actually FIT my ass. And they complimented it quite well!

Good night!

I fixed the time warp problem. You can rest assured that my post times are now accurate.

I know, I know! You can thank me later. For now just go home and get a good night’s sleep, knowing that temporal harmony has been restored at spotsnknots.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be completely happy, totally satisfied. Is anyone really like that? Is the woman sitting in front of me earlier today - the one who’s about 45 years old, cute haircut, pink “Support Breast Cancer” rubber bracelet on her left wrist, perfectly manicured fake nails - the one sitting in the bright cherry red new volkswagen beetle convertible, with a sprig of something floral in the bud holder - is she happy? She looks like she is.

And then I wonder if I would be happy in her position. If I were sitting in a cute little car (of my choosing), money enough to fulfill my reasonable wants and needs. Smiling while I spoke on the cell phone. Driving home to my husband and my house and my teenage kids, bustling around in the kitchen.

It creeped me out. I felt claustrophobic and panicky picturing myself in that sort of life. I wouldn’t want to be in that position because I can’t see it satisfying me.

The only problem is that there is no scenario I have ever imagined for myself where I would be content, happy, satisfied. Well, maybe there’s one, but there’s nil chance of it happening, so it doesn’t count.

What do people see when they spot me on the street, in my car, wandering the grocery store? When I get excited about the ice cream choices, or hum - sometimes sing - the songs that are playing over the pa in the store? When I smile at the checkout lady and thank the bag boy and say “have a nice day!”?

When I write online in my journal?

Whatever they think, it’s not the truth.

Being a girl is so inconvenient. Emotions are stupid and they’re ruining my life. Except that I don’t feel like they’re ruining my life, I can just logically see it.

It’s been almost a year and I am NOWHERE NEAR being over TG. It probably doesn’t help that we see each other every day and he occasionally tells me he loves me with tears in his eyes. WHATEVER.

Actually, I don’t want to talk about this.

Instead, let’s talk about my friend T, who is visiting from Austin! Hooray! We were very close before she abandoned me for TEXAS OF ALL PLACES (sorry deb. and jay/jazz, if you’re out there. and um, melanie, and let’s see, who HAVEN’T i just offended?). and now I haven’t seen her in, I don’t know, 10 months? Very exciting that she’s here.

Also, I met up with Misty and Rachel, some internet chickies, earlier this week as they made their way down to Anywhere Across The Border As Long As There Are Beaches. I drove them around our tiny little downtown and through some of the richer parts of the area. I spent a FORTUNE on gas. No, I didn’t.

Um. Nothing else to report. Still trying to stuff my face, I mean ass. Yesterday’s meals were: 1 bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats, 2 Pieces of Pizza Hut Pizza, 1 million Pizza Hut Quepapas, 1 Pizza Hut Breadstick, 2 glasses of Barq’s Root Beer, and 1 huge waffle bowl full of Cold Stone Ice Cream (vanilla bean with strawberries, if you must know. i always get the same thing there. ALWAYS.)

I was going to join the bandwagon, but I have become so intellectually lazy that I can’t be bothered to think about how well-read and educated I used to be. I’d say that I’ve read about 60% of those books, and remember clearly maybe 20% of those that I read.

There you have it! Updates for the sake of updating are so enthralling boring! I’m sorry! I hope these exclamation marks bring a little verve to it all!